i love you. i feel like i can only say it when i feel like both of our guard is down. i can only let myself type it now if i believe i'll hide it. i am scared of it (do you realize how often i use the word "it" when i start getting in the weeds of trying to talk about how i feel? when it starts to get confusing even for me to tell what "it" is...) and i feel kind of like I have ... boss battle weak point. I kind of think of Arketh, and how one of the only things that ever consistently shakes him is the idea of losing Helieth. He feels impenetrable... except to the thing he let in. and in order to keep that door open for Helieth, there has to be a soft spot in Arketh... He has to admit he cares and has something to lose that he isnt in control of... It was never difficult for him, though. Especially because he has faith in Helieth. I've been thinking about you a lot. I think maybe I always am. Thinking of you a lot, and that is scary for me to admit. And it feels... encroaching. Obsessive? I don't really know... It still feels like holding You in my mind is T__T the only phrase that comes to mind is the devils work. especially when youre away, i think, or busy. Lately it's been Extra with me working on your dog :3 Silver. You've named it already! The hardest part was that thinking about you and the little details to include made me like... realize i treasure you, acknowledge for a moment how much the feelings were penetrating my heart and trying to put them on the canvas... it makes my Head Hurt... you are so special and Cool :,3 . I've Always admired you and ive always thought you were cool, but the admiration has changed So Much over time. it makes me so afraid! to care this much and for this long... It's so much to Lose :,3 ! its also so much to live for, too, though. It's Special... god i am so scared of losing you :( i feel like i lose everyone. it makes it very hard to let my heart rest where it's comfortable. i still am trying... i want to. i want to let my heart rest with you.

I had to put my head in my hands for a while after typing that. i feel... sad about it right now. i think because i am worried i am going to fail... i don't want to fail you. i want, i think, to be there for you. i want to help you be strong. i want you to have the strength to run away, and a heart that wants to hold onto me. i want to be strong too. i want to make us both proud. I also... sometimes... wish i could wake you up from nightmares. i want to take photographs and videos with you and of you and us, for us, that nobody else really gets to see... i want to keep building stories with you, and dreaming... i want more than anything for us to be Strong, strong, strong enough to handle the world, to handle whats going on in our heads, and to be Able to stand and walk to the next safe place on their own... but when i look at the details, i also want to be close to you :,{ .

sometimes i think i was just meant to dream... dreaming can feel so good. dreaming is safe. Wanting to be close to someone else... Isn't like daydreaming about a catboy falling in love... It feels disrespectful, and it's like... Real, and has stakes, and feels like it says something about whats going on in my Heart ... scary :,I i am scared. do i want you to know im scared? yes, i think so, and i also don't want you to feel bad :,3 i think im telling you ... i think because i a little bit hope that you might also be scared, and if i admit it, then it's a little less scary and alone for you. I think you've whispered it in a way, but I'm really nailing the point in i think heh...

but, yeah... I love you. I don't know All of what that means, yet, i don't think. I am glad you're my friend. I know it means I admire you, and I'm honored and glad to be here with you. Sometimes it also means Thank You... Often i try to not say it. I don't want it to feel like... a compulsion. Often when I say it i feel like i need to. sometimes when i don't, it stays in my chest. sometimes when it stays in my chest, it makes me Cold... .... dang, am i really that scared of my feelings about it? I wish this whole thing had a sweeter tone... I think that's part of the reason I don't say it sometimes :,3 I wish this were less complicated. but. I love you because you're complicated. i love you because you're true. i love you because you can leave. i love you for feeling Alive. i don't know why it's hard to admit now, i've loved you like this for so long. we've expressed it even, i'm pretty sure. i think I am scared i'll demistify the way i feel, and you'll realize what i feel isnt what you want me to feel, or i am afraid you'll hear something i'm not saying... i think im a little afraid you'll hear what other people mean when they say "i love you"... And I don't want you to feel like you Have to say it back :,3 i ... feel loved. i express it not because i want to hear it back , but because i need to say it... otherwise i feel it well up in my face.

this is long and i need to go to Bed... i don't know how ill get this to you... i'll find some way.. i hope you're sleeping well. things are kinda tough for you right now and i hope everything can Clear for you..

I love you, Marshall.